The Alan 2000
Our hero lies in bed watching Full Metal Jacket, trying to pull himself out of a semi-slumber and make it into work (on a Saturday!!). He finally scrapes himself off of the bed and wanders through to the shower. As I am sure you are aware, our hero still only has a smattering of Korean, and the hot water/heating controls are all in this alien language. He goes through the usual process, more of a monkey see, monkey do, rather than actually knowing which dials and buttons he is pressing. Teeth brushed and ready for the shower he turns on the hot water, but none is forthcoming. Disaster!!. Back to the controls, and a flashing light is warning him of something but he has no idea of what, and no idea how to find out. Our hero has always been of the school of thought that you should just keep bashing buttons and twiddling knobs (ooo-er) until something happens, this usually works......
One cold shower later our hero embarks on his way to school, only a 40 minute class today so no problems, pretty easy day. The class goes well and he heads out to the local park to sit in the sun and read his book. Some older Korean men are setting up what looks like a volleyball pitch, but the net is too low. Football tennis!!!. One of the Koreans comes over and asks if he would like a game, not knowing the rules but willing to give anything a go he get up and joins in. After a few false starts and some rule teaching (no knees, no chesting, only headers and feet) the game gets underway. Our hero is playing almost akin to that day back in '96 when he was the Alan 2000 (it seemed so far away at the time). Those who did not witness that beautiful day, there were only four of us, will just have to imagine George Best playing out of his socks and you get the general idea. The first game is won by our hero's team and the next they are 6 points ahead, then tragedy strikes.... A slip a recovery and AAAAAAAAARGH a twist. The game goes on for a further 5 minutes and our hero's team wins by a very narrow margin. Upon sitting after the game he is handed a juice pouch, the flavour of which can only really be described as feet marinated in turgid brine, he drinks it down not wanting to seem impolite and notes that the flavour is actually "pear".
Not long after our hero heads up the road as he has a dinner engagement with some work colleagues and their friends. He gets back, has a shower (it seems to have rectified itself) and sits awaiting his transport for the evening. Thirty minutes later his phone rings and he is to meet them outside, he tries to stand and "FUUUUURRRRRRGH": it appears that the ankle has now decided to tell him that he is quite badly injured. He hobbles to the car and tries to put a brave face on the matter.
At dinner conversation turns to peoples occupations, and Yu-ni (as her name was) mentions that she is a doctor. Our hero casually mentions that he may have sprained his ankle and she quickly grabs his foot and runs over a not too pleasant examination. She says it will be fine (she's not the one hobbling around) and tells him to put it in hot water when he gets home and keep it raised.
How in the hell do you do that? In his apartment he has a big bucket so our hero fills it with soothing hot water and places it on a stool, then sitting on a chair tries to put his foot up into it. This is not possible without being able to remove your leg so he decided hot water THEN raise it up.
Unfortunately due to the day's exertions, he was very tired and fell asleep with his foot in the bucket, only waking up when he had kicked it over and water was everywhere. Jumping up from his slumber he forgot about his sore ankle, yelped in pain then proceeded to try and mop up all the water, his bed sheets had done a sterling job of this already so the job was short and he rested again.
As he lay there in his soaking bed with his ankle throbbing and his pride broken, he thought back to that beautiful day that he was the Alan 2000, and realised that perhaps the Owski 3000 has been born.
He promptly thought better of it however, and vowed never to play any sport again.
posted by Alanowski @ 1:25 pm
4 Comments:
In my experience, i find that soaking a cloth in some "hot" water and wrapping the cloth around the affected area is a more practical way of dealing with such a problem. Thus, you can have your foot "in hot water"** and "raised" at the same time.
Keith The Doc Stewart
**although not actually "in hot water", the affected area will get the benefits of the "hot" water without the impracticalities for the affected area's owner that go hand in hand with water vessel AND raising foot combos.
I think that, had I had the value of Keith's help in this matter sooner, then I would not be in such pain at the moment. Cheers Keith, but perhaps you should move a bit more quickly in future eh?
Also, remember the time you hurt your ankle when you fell down the stairs at Mitch's flat? I can sympathise with you now. Oh and sorry for lifting you up by that foot as well, no wonder it seemed so sore for you.
Speak soon my duders xx
Alan,
This story has confirmed what I always suspected......you are a complete idiot
So calling me an idiot, acting the big hard man. Animal Mother says: "You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?"
Show yourself fiend!!
Post a Comment
<< Home